Death becomes us


When I think of death, I used to think of pain. Suffering. Agony. Something that was anything but what I wanted to do.

That fear ran my life. Always worried about being careful, or having nightmares about my kids passing.
I couldn’t ever get those thoughts out of my head.

But what if.. what if it actually happened and I lost a child? I couldn’t imaging that at this very moment. I have had miscarriages before.. some that were naturally induced and some that were at the hands of my ex husband.. and three that will carry an extra special place in my heart because they were fought for with everything my husband and I had, during our one and only chance at bearing life through IVF.

But I cannot even begin to process death. Is it end of life? Or just a transformation of what we are to become?

Will it hurt? Will it be majestic?

Some that have came back from being clinically gone, say it’s the most beautiful thing they have ever experienced. But if it’s the most beautiful thing… Why would they come back? Which makes me think if they came back, did they do it or was it out of their control? As to say maybe a higher power decided for them.

I talked to a friend earlier who pointed out that she feels as though she has lost her way because the loss of her Child.

I do not know the details of the loss, but what I do know it that it hurts her deeply. The grief of loosing someone is almost unbearable… But that grief I feel… Is most certainly something that is left to the survivors of the person.

My sister has lost her mom, and recently I almost lost my biological Father. She was the first one I messaged. I was going through a roller coaster of emotions. Why was he dying? Would it hurt him because of the how he dying?(COPD and Emphysema because of 35+ years of smoking) Will he make it to heaven? Or hell?

Once we pass, I don’t know if Heaven is exactly like the bible describes… But if it is, I can only imagine what I’d consider a small fragment of what the extent really is. So if our loved ones really are in heaven… That means they are at peace. And if they are at peace… Doesn’t it then make it clear they would want us at peace?

I believe that to be the case no matter where we go after passing. If our loved ones loved us as much as our grief shows that we loved them.. it’s a likely suggestion that they without a shadow of doubt in my mind, would want us to process our grief and then live the rest of our lives to the fullest.

My friend said that “Some how I just keep pushing forward, And when I look back I dont know how I got to where Im at. I feel he pushes me and keeps pushing me. I use to be some what like you in alot of ways, but I have lost my way, kinda like I lost myself when we lost Reggie. I dont know if Ill ever be the same person”

Are we ever the same person as the day before? My answer is no. But it doesn’t mean that it has to be a bad thing. We all have a conscious choice each and every day, to wake up, grab a hold of our life, and say not today. Today is MY day and I will live it to the fullest.

I pray that my friend finds her way. Her way back to something she made me seem that was better in ways. But I challenge that thought. Why make your way back to something when you can work your way towards something even greater!

We can make death become us and consume us in a way that our lives deteriorate… Or we can let the light inside all of us shine so bright, that we realize death is apart of us. Who we are as humans. Embrace it. And show love to the world despite it.


Love and Light

Namaste «» Love and Light «»


An open door, to a beautiful world


Helen Keller was a beautiful soul. A soul that knew the potential beauty of the world despite being blind and deaf.

She never gave up, she never stopped trying. No matter what obstacles presented themselves in her way.

She stated “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door, that we do not see the one that has opened for us.”

Such profound words and yet so simple. We as humanity, have grown accustomed to coveting the next person’s “things” or “accomplishments”.. or something that we had, but think we lost.. not realizing that what we “lost,” may be the biggest blessing from God all along.

How do we rectify these things? How to we make the world a better place? How can one person, see an opportunity in the form of a door being opened in their life?

I have the most simple answer. We dont rectify. Or “fix” what has already been done. We change. We teach our next generation what we have learned from the last 100 years. In those short 100 years, we have managed to almost close a door on humanities existence.

How you may be thinking?? Look around you. Are we so cruel as to drive by humans each and every day that are hungry? That are without a soft spot to lay their head? That are in need.. of anything? As a collective group, we DO have the power to reverse and completely restore humanity. I have faith that my God is powerful and strong. The universe is a big place. I have faith, that in each and every human being we have the power to stand up and say enough is enough! But what next?

Do we argue with each other over small and subtle differences? Do we fight over huge differences because that difference makes us better? Or do we stop and realize that not only do we have the ability to see an open door for us that is open.. we have the power to open a door for someone else.

We don’t realize sometimes, how huge, but what we consider small and insignificant, our actions actually are… But think about it.. or better yet, try it. Open a door for someone else. Literally speaking OR figuratively. Smile and wave at your neighbor. Check on the elderly that live near you. Pick up that piece of trash as you walk by, or better yet, next time you think of throwing something out? Wait. Throw it away wherever your going, when you get there.

Remember, you have little people watching. And THAT is how we will change humanity. One person at a time. Think about it. A great future? Or a future of closed doors because we were too preoccupied to see what was right in front of us all along.


Love and Light to all

Namaste «» Love and Light «»

My first Freelance opportunity


I never thought a decision to “Jump for the stars” in a random, ALMOST spur of the moment email, would land me my first Freelance Opportunity on a Website that covers the Lake Area where I live.

Unbeknownst to me, that is exactly what was about to unfold over the course of the next two days.

I was sitting in my chair, processing a lot of thoughts about where I am in life and knew there was something missing. I decided I was going to make the blog I had so longed for, to be able to express my random thoughts in my head. Just get them out on “paper”..

As soon as I was finished, I decided to head to my go too. Facebook, of course. My generations social media awesomeness! I came across an article about the Lake Area rising and thought that might be a great article to read since it had been raining in abundance and our own property was flooding up to our house in the backyard.

After reading it, I happened to glance at the top and something caught my eye. At the top it said, “Have a good story? Email here…” A thought occurred. Why not?!?! So I did. But it wasn’t about a story, it was to inquire about any freelance opportunities available.

I was nervous and a bit doubtful because I had no idea if this was the “way to ask” as well as, I have Zero experience on a professional level. Although I have written since I was in Elementary school and made straight A+’s on any and all things involving writing, I never imagined one small email could possibly change the course of my life. My children’s lives. But I feel, not to count my chickens before they hatch, that this marks a point, where a goal of mine has begun and that it will take me places that I want to go in life.

Now, I get to start the Biography, of who I am, What I am about, What I stand for and how I will “make the world” (or in my case, The Cedar Creek Lake area) a better place for those around me, and write about it on an amazing established website and set up my new “editor” account!


Wish me Light!


Namaste «» Love and Light «»

Our unschooling life in a nutshell


Unschooling by definition, is “A method of homeschooling that puts the desire, drive, motivation and responsibility for life -this thing we call learning or education – in the hands of the learner”

The simplest way to explain it in practical terms, is instead of homeschooling with a set curriculum 8 hours a day, we unschool as our way of life. Always learning, always searching for a “lesson” in anything and everything we do. In our circle, you will hear the term “child led” because it usually is. If the child has an interest in anything, it is our job as parents to provide the tools necessary for them to learn. Comparing to public schoolers, I have read numerous articles stating they would rather have homeschoolers because they usually have advanced knowledge vs. The set “standards” that public school teaches. When they compare homeschoolers to unschoolers, it seems, unschoolers are the preferred because of the ease of adaptability to new situations, as well as tend to learn easier in any circumstance and in more ways then just either, or, when it comes to visual, verbal, physical, logical, social, solitary, or aural. Unschoolers are also very independent learners, which is one of the most used terms I’ve heard or read in our circles.

Here are two great articles that speak on the above:

Some examples of how we “unschool” if you use it in a literal term are, If we are on a trip to the grocery store, there is a lesson in math no matter if you ask questions before we get to the register such as “if we need 100 coat hangers and they are 10 per pack, how many packs do we need?” Once we get to the register, that is an obvious lesson and The kitchen poses a great deal of our math when it comes to measument as well.

Or, if we go to Grandma’s house and they see an old picture, maybe a history lesson.

Science? It helps when we have tons of books on awesome science experiments too.

Foreign languages?? My girls went to a “Japanese in a box” class that the Japan-American society put on in Forney awhile back. (I would LOVE to see more of those kinds of opportunities in the Cedar Creek area as well. We have some but it’s mostly what us mom’s put together)

I could go on and on and on but I’ll stop with the examples there. We weren’t always this way, March of Next year will be our two year mark.

As far as how prevalent it is in the lake area where I live?
I wish it were more but there are those of us here. I believe we all, or most that I know, unschool on some level, some a lot more extreme then others, but there are two unschool Co-op’s(community cooperative)one in Tyler and one in Dallas. There are several homeschool co-op’s as well. The biggest difference in the two are a set curriculum vs. The whole world as curriculum


(picture of Myself and my Zoe Bug 🙂 )

Namaste «» Love and Light «»

Oh my… my first blog..

I’ve always wanted to blog but never knew how to start. I find myself writing about my days in my text messaging to myself but now here I am… I don’t know what I hope to accomplish here other then to write out my thoughts. My hopes,my dreams,my wants,my fears, my current situations etc.

To start with my name is Nicole. I am 30 years old and find myself in a very interesting situation, 99% of the time. We all have our ups and downs in life but you see, I have 8 daughter’s. The most beautiful girls inside and out that I could have ever asked for. But my life is hectic. And sometimes…just sometimes..I need a break. Writing is it. I love to write. Not necessarily anything in particular… Just the words that are in my soul. I don’t say brain because I don’t exactly think that’s where they come from.

Which brings me to my next point, it’s raining, I’m sitting here in my oversized, comfy rocking chair with my incense burning and my Himalayan salt rock on. Very peaceful. I can hear 3 of my older girls tinkering In the kitchen making hot cocoa while my little one makes playful noises with her daddy, my husband. Man do I love him and hate him at the same time.


My soul is hurting right now and I need healing. Writing will be my venue for that healing.. it has to be. I stopped for so long and can feel myself drawing back to it. I have things to say and the world needs to hear.

I am a domestic violence survivor.

I am a rape survivor.

I am a survivor of numerous suicide attempts.

I am a survivor of an attempted murder..though they won’t call it that in the reports.. But I was there..

I am a woman who in my short 30 years, has been through a lot, some who would say a victim. But I don’t carry that victim mentality…

I carry hope

I carry peace.

I carry joy.

I carry love.

I carry experiences.

I carry life with me. I am here for a reason and that reason is to change the cycle of the negative mindset on any level of anyone listening, and for any reason.

Even if it is only the eight little girls watching me.